- Hello. You all right? - Yeah. Good, thanks.
See that film last night? Denzel Washington?
- No. - He's a brilliant actor.
- He's very good. - Oh, dear.
- I like him. - He's great.
- See you later. - Yeah. See you later.
- He's not my favourite actor of all time, by the way. - No?
No. My favourite actor of all time is Mr. Sidney Poitier.
- Well. - So... all right?
Yeah. Amazing.
- Gareth, are you building up your wrists? - Yes.
When is the charity wank-athon?
- I don't know, but you'd win it. - That's good. Good.
- No seriously, what are you doing? - Orienteering with the T.A.'s.
All right?
- Yeah. I've just come to apologise. - Don't worry about it.
No. I was out of order. I'd had a bad day. I was really wound up. I shouldn't have done it.
Well...
- So we're cool, yeah? - Absolutely. Totally cool.
What's that? Is that for me?
- Yeah. - Cheers.
Just put your mind at rest. There's nothing going on between them.
Coz, I would know. I've been watching him like a hawk, and I imagine you've been watching her, your end,
so between us we've got it covered.
- See you later, mate. - Yeah. Thanks for that. Cheers.
- Probably a bottle of something. - You reckon?
Look at the shape.
Today I'm doing our staff appraisals.
And some people are getting a bit get nervous about that
coz they think they're walking the long mart with their head on the block, which is wrong.
They fill out a form in advance
and they don't only list their strengths and weaknesses, but also mine as a boss.
So it's a chance for them to tell me where we're going wrong.
- It's very much an opportunity... - to separate the wheat from the chaff.
No. That sounds bad. It's not witchhunt. We're not trying to find out who the worst people are.
We know who they are already. I've written it on my form.
- You shouldn't have written it on your form. - I've underlined the worst ones.
Well you're missing the point. Yeah...
- Hello, David. - Here he is.
Tim Canterbury. A good man. "The Canterbury tales."
- Chaucer. - Yup.
And Shakespeare.
Pleased with you. Very proud. New leaf, et cetera.
Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty, satisfaction. That's what I'm...you know.
Probably wondering why I am so generous with encouragement?
Trust people and they'll be true to you.
Treat them greatly and they will show themselves to be great.
So happier now? No looking back?
Well I am still eventually gonna go back to uni and do a psychology degree, but...
No point. No point. Sure, 18-19, go to university, get it out of your system.
Waste time mucking around, getting drunk... getting up at mid-day.
- having casual sex. - But we're in our 30s now.
- I'm only just 30. You must be 39? - No. Both in our 30s is the fact. Yeah?
Who's to say? You keep your head down,i n a few years time, you could be in the hot seat... like me.
- When I'm nearly 40. - We're both in our 30s at the moment.
Just chewing the fat. Good. You're on the right lines.
Can I just...? If we're facing in the right direction,
all we have to do is keep on walking.
Very nice. You're quite a philosopher.
It's just that I think our greatest glory...
is not in never falling, but in rising everytime we fall.
- Are you reading these? Reading the quotes? - Am I what? Sort of..
Confucius. Bernard Shaw...
It doesn't matter who said them first. I'm passing on my wisdom.
Don't tell those I've been reading these. It's an insult. I'll put it down there if it's obvious.
I always wanted to be a children's illustrator.
And when people said to me "what do you do"
I'd always say; "Well I'm an illustrator, but I do some reception work for a bit of extra cash."
And, for years I was an illustrator who did some reception work.
And then lee thought it would be a good idea for us to both get full-time jobs,
and, you know then you're knackered after work and it's hard to fit in time for the illustrating.
Now, when people say "what do you do?", I say, "I'm a receptionist."
And a bloody good one, you know.
You'll always have the art. Keep up the doodling always.
- Pipe dreams are good...in a way. - Well..I still hope it will happen.
Keep the dream alive because otherwise one day you'll go, "Oh! could I have made it?"
If you keep trying, at least then when it doesn't happen, you can go, "at least I gave it a go."
You know?
- Are you settling in all right? - Yeah.
- Having fun? - Yeah.
As much fun as you can have at Wernham-Hogg.
- How long were you at Swindon? - Two years.
If you had to name a role model...
someone who's influenced you who would it be?
- What? Like a historical person? - Nope, some in your sort of general life. Just someone who's been an influence on you.
There's my mum. She's just, strong, calm in the face of adversity.
God, I remember when she had a hysterectomy...
if it wasn't your mother, though. I mean it doesn't even have to be a woman. It could be a..
Man? Ok, well, I suppose if it was a man it'd be my father.
Not your father. Let's take your parents as read. I'm looking for someone in the sort of work-related arena.
Right. Ok. I suppose Tim, then. He's always...
Well he's a friend, isn't he? Not a friend. Someone in authority. Maybe as in, you know..
- Well, then I suppose Jennifer. - I thought we said not a woman, didn't we? Or am I...?
Er... ok. Well I suppose you're the only one who...
Embarrassing. It's backfired, hasn't it. Oh, dear. Very flattering.
- Can we put me as a...? - Ok. Tim, then.
- We said not Tim. So do you want to put me or not? - Ok.
- Right. So shall I put "strong role model"? - Ok.
Just a drill. Do not panic, ok?
- He's trained. Good man. - Come on, people, let's get moving. Just a drill but treat it as if it was real.
- I'd be the last one out, in these situations. - Do not run and do not panic.
Not that it's in my job descrption. That's just what I do. I do these every couple of months.
You know? We have to by law but that's not why I do 'em.
It's because even though I'm always cool in a situation like this, some people are not,
and so I try to make sure... I'll do that. It's all right.
- We were... - No, no, no. I've got it. Go on.
I'm going to get you out of here. All right? So..
Obviously the lifts are out of bounds in a fire situation,
so the important thing is... put her down.
This isn't worth it. It's stupid.
Obviously in a real situation we take her all the way down but this is just a drill, so we can leave her here.
- Can't I use the lift? - No, not even in a drill. Never use a lift.
We won't be a minute.
I've got no problem at all with him visiting every single child in the world, on a single night,
what I can't believe is that he's gonna stand up there in Barnardo's arguing with old women.
I don't know if you're aware of the situation that's arising here.
I usually steer clear of ladies at work, but there is someone I've got my eye on.
I won't say who. I don't know what Tim's playing at, moving in.
He already embarrassed himself once before, asking Dawn out so this is only gonna end in tears.
Whereas I, you probably notice, play it cool.
He's not a man of the world like me.
See I can read women. And you've got to know their wants and their needs.
and that can be anyhting from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week,
to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse.
I see you're using all your best lines on Rachel.
Best lines! I was just being friendly.
Yeah it was friendly, sort of, more than.
- More than? - Friendly.
Under "strengths", you've just put "accounts".
Yeah.
That's your job, though. That's just...
No Keith. I'm sort of looking for your skills within your job. So is there anything else you could have put there?
- No. - Ok.
Under "weaknesses", you've put "eczema".
You had a fantastically welcoming buffet.
- The wine was something else. - Everyone's quite friendly.
- Everyone's... and Tim seems nice. - Yeah. He's a good laugh.
I've just got to... has he got a girlfriend?
- Tim? No. - Why? What's up?
- Nothing. - Why? Would you?
Mm? Out of the equation.
Yea I know, but if he weren't, would he be...?
If I weren't? Madness.
You've left this section completely blank. You haven't done the Q & A.
- I thought you filled that in. - No. This is aimed at you.
"To what extent do you believe that you have the skills and knowledge to perform your job effectively?"
And then, you just tick on of the boxes. "Not at all. To some extent. Very much so. Don't know."
- What would you tick? - Don't know.
Ok.
Question 2. "Do you feel you have received adequate training to use your computer effectively?"
- What are the options? - Same as.. they're always the same. Always the same.
"Not at all. To some extent. Very much so. Don't know."
- Don't know. - Don't know again. Ok.
"Do you feel you are given the flexibility to decide how best to accomplish your goals?"
- Do you want the options again? - Yeah.
"Not at all. To some extent..." Always the same.
- "Very much so. Don't know." - Don't know.
If "Don't know" wasn't there, what would you put?
- What are the options? - "Not at all. To some extent.
- "Very much so. Don't know." - Very much so.
- Do you remember what the question was? - No.
Ok. "Do you.." Let's.. we're gonna leave that there.
Just going to give the new Swindon lot a bit of a... I mean it's not an appraisal as such, but, you know..
- Sorry. Just showing them... - Keep them occupied before the main event.
I hope you warmed them up better than last time! Doesn't look like it.
- Ok. See you later. - See you. Bye.
Anyway... good. Hello.
Obviously I can't give you an appraisal as such. You've only been here a week.
But I did want to try and get a flavour of how you're settling in.
I know it's probably not the same vibe you're used to. Neil ruled with a bit more of an iron fist than me.
Settling in? Having a good time?
How is it different?
More laid back, presumably.
- Think it's more laid back? Yeah? - Yes...
Say yes then, if you think it's more laid back. More laid back. More fun.
- Well... - Ah?
- Nothing. - Go on.
We're actually used to doing stuff, like working hard, you know, being motivated.
There's not much dynamism out there, is there? You know, I mean people look like they're getting away with murder.
- Having a laugh, yes. - Well I think, quite a few of us are bored.
Oh! What, you preferred Swindon?
- More of a laugh. - You're having a laugh saying that.
What's so good about Swindon? Neil?
- Yeah, for one. - What? You prefer Neil to me?
Who thinks Neil's more of a laugh than me?
That's mental! Come off it. You...
We're gonna have a little drink. Come out for a drink with me and see who's more of a laugh, yeah?
Put your money where your mouth is.
We'll go for a drink lunchtime. We'll go.. right.
Right. Here we are. There's an outing, ok? Lunchtime.
Show them what the Slough lot are like. Keith, what are you doing lunchtime?
Welcome to alcoholic's anonymous! No. Purely social.
I know someone who is an alcoholic and it is no laughing matter - particularly for his wife.
She's got alopecia, so not a happy home life.
And their eldest is like that Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man", so..
That probably what turned him to it in the first place.
So. Looking forward to the weekend?
- Yeah. - Cheers.
That's a lovely drop. That's Courage.
You get a lot around here because the main brewery's in Reading.
Although they do it in London and everythng, so..
What's the brewery in Swindon? Is there a big...?
- It might be Courage actually. - Dunno.
No. This is all right, though, isn't it?
- Nice pub... eh? - Just a private joke.
I was saying this is nice. There's a lovely pub near me - the gardener's arms.
- What? What are you doing? - That bloke over there looks like someone we know.
Ok. One at a time. Focus, yeah? You'll get more out of it in the long run, I promise you that.
I forgot what I was saying then. That's what happens when you...
Courage...
- Three points. - What? Don't do that on my head.
- Unless you've changed into a dartboard. - From past experience, the dartboard being there makes no difference to you whatsoever.
I could be here and I would still get a 180.
- Hiya. You all right? - Straight.
A couple of mates of mine are all going down to Yates's...
- the wine lodge? Classy. Joking. - Well I was wondering if you'd like to come down with us.
Or not. And you, Dawn. You can bring Lee if you like.
- I don't think we's be able... - Ok. But um.. you can come?
- Yeah, I can. Thanks. - Great. Ok.
- What? You mean tonight? - Yeah. Just after work.
- Have a couple of drinks, yeah. - Cool.
- Ok. See you later. - See you in a bit.
- That'll be fun. - Yeah. Yes.
It'll be cool. Cool as a cucumber.
- Good? - It was all right.
I've eaten here, so...
if you want a really good pie; The Gardeners.
It's been a washout, hasn't it? You know, I don't know why I bother.
If no one else is going to make the effort.
- We have made the effort. - Huh?
- We have made the effort. - Yeah. I'm not having a go at you. It's just..
Obviously the best people haven't turned up, you know. It's just, I'm gonna shoot off back to the office.
See you later.
- Come on, Neil. - All right.
- Gareth. - Nearly.
- What are you doing? - Having a laugh.
You could have had a laugh in the pub at lunchtime, selfish. Bit dangerous, isn't it? In an office?
- If you wanna work.. maybe you should work, as it's quarter past two. - Yeah all right. We're just finishing off.
Yeah we're just finishing off.
Just want to be popular as the new boss. Oh, love me! Pathetic!
I think we should call it a day there. tim do you mind putting those away?
Guys, can we go back to work?
- David, can I have a word, please? - If you want.
I'm confused. I dunno what just happened there but obviously you've got a problem with something, what is it?
No. Time for work, wasn't it? It's what you say. Let's work, instead of mucking around.
Right. You see, your attitude confuses me.
If you don't want to tell me what the problem is, then fine, but don't speak to me like that in front of staff, ok?
- You're acting like a petulant kid. - Young at heart.
If you got a problem, come and speak to me but don't stand out there
and embarrass me and yourself, because I will not stand for it, ok?
I've been trying to be nice. I've been trying to deal with this situation delicately
because I was mildly embarrassed that we were equivalents and now I'm your boss, but that's the deal. Live with it.
I don't let anyone talk to me the way you just did.
Not my staff, not my boss, no one and certainly not you. Do you understand?
Do you understand? Good.
Look. You're a good bloke, Dave, and if there's a problem I'd rather discuss it sensibly than have to have these little chats, allright?
Shake on it?
Great. Thank you.
- I'll see you guys later. Take care. - Cheers, Neil. Have a good night.
- Did you hear any of that conversation? - No.
I had it out with Neil. He showed his true colours, didn't he?
What you mean? He's allright. He seems like a good bloke.
Is that what you think? Oh that's.. I'd better not say anything, then. Watch your back. Slagging you off.
- Slagging you off. - Me personally?
- Just me? - Yeah. And you. Slagging all you lot off.
- What's he saying? - Just going "Oh yeah, you lot are rubbish."
I was going, "your lot of rubbish. Your Swindon lot are shit."
- He got aggressive and I went berserk. - Did you hit him?
- No. He'd have had it though. He'd have come through that wall. - I don't know, he's pretty trim, mate.
Yeah? Against karate?
- David, what did he actually say about us? - Just slagging you lot off.
I went, "your Swindon lot are little slugs with no personality.
"You're just jealous that we're better at everything than you."
I'll tell you what, if it did kick off between me and him, get out. I don't want you lot getting hurt. It's not worth it.
- I'd step in if you want. - This is big boy shit, mate. Cheers.
Hit him really hard above the ears because the vacuum in the brain kills him instantly.
I wouldn't want him to die. I'd want to keep the little twat alive with the shit I was going to put on him.
- All right? Hi. - Hello.
- You don't have a boyfriend, do you? - No.
- Any kids from previous marriages? Or anything? - No.
- Would you like to come out for a drink with me tonight? - I can't, I;m afraid. I'm gonna go out with Tim, so..
- Tonight? - Yeah.
- Can I come? - Not really.
- You're not planning on getting off with him or anything? - I don't think this is any of your business.
Sorry. It's none of my business. You go and have a drink, by all means. Enjoy yourself.
Just know that, if you don't go all the way with Tim, I will still be interested.
Thanks. That's good to know I have something to fall back on.
What if I do go all the way with Tim but want a little bit more with you?
I don't usually do sloppy seconds,
but I judge things on individual merit, so we'll cross that river when we come to it.
- Thanks. That's good to know. - No problem.
- One in the kettle? - Yeah. It's just boiled.
One amendment. If you do go all the way with Tim
and you expect me to go in there afterwards, make sure he wears a condom.
It's sort of a rule.
- Is there any milk? - Yeah, um.. It's in the fridge.
- See ya. - See you later, mate.
- You going home? - Yup.
- That's for you. - Cheers.
Can you call Neilson's...
and get that credit rate faxed over or emailed or whatever?
Sure.
And do you mind typing up those appraisal contracts?
- Sure. See you monday. - See you.
Dawn, I'm fed up. I'm fed up, to be honest. It's just I...
- Oh why? - This place. I don't say anything but this.. sometimes think it's a right shit hole.
- Do you? - Yeah.
- Do you think I'm funny? - Mmm. Yup.
Do you think Neil's funny? Sit down.
Do I think Neil's funny? I don't really know him, David.
- But he's not funnier than me? - No, definitely not.
I wish you'd tell that to the Swindon lot. Miserable bunch of... aren't they? Some of them. Boring.
What's your favourite stuff that I do, comedy-wise?
Um... oh, there's too much.
- The impressions? - Yeah.
- Which ones? - Er... which ones are there again?
- Kermit? - Brilliant.
"Welcome to the er muppet show." "Hai-ya, frog!"
Miss Piggy. Do you know Kermit's nephew, Robin?
# Halfway up the stair is the stair where I sit... #
- do you do Gonzo? - No. Do you want a beer?
- Er... I can't go to the pub. - I've got some here ready.
For emergencies.
Cheers.
I was looking through...
some old poems I used to do.
- Oh? Did you? I didn't know. - Yeah.
- So, what sort of...? - Big time. Quite sort of... powerful. Here's one.
Shall I read one to you? This one's called "Excalibur".
"I froze your tears and made a dagger and stabbed it in my cock forever.
"It stays there like excalibur. Are you my Arthur? Say you are."
- Good... - "take this cool, dark, steeled blade.
"Steal it, sheath it in your lake.
"I'd drown with you to be together. Must you breathe? 'cause I need heaven."
- Um... it's powerful. - Very.
- And double meanings. Did you get the double meanings? - I did.